June 5, 2011

a post dedicated to my vag.

Two things before we get started:

1) If you don't want to read an entire post about my girly parts (say, people like my Dad or maybe Adams friends!?) I highly recommend you just exit out of this screen...pronto.

and

2) I must clarify the "vag" is pronounced like vadge...not vag (like bag). Why I don't just spell it like "vadge", I don't know. I just don't. I also don't know what else to call it because honestly, I refuse to be a mature adult and call it a vagina.  I can't.

OKAY!!!!

One thing I wish I had been more warned about in the early stages of pregnancy is how much my vag would be affected. All of my concerns were geared towards stretch marks, cankles, and bad acne.  Turns out that at almost 34 weeks pregnant none of those are issues.  

 I wish I would have known how bad it would ache.  I'll be at work, just-a-workin' and all of a sudden gasp and hold myself like I'm a toddler about to pee my pants.  It just shoots with pain for a few seconds and then I'm all dandy again until the next episode.  I'm sure our clients don't think it's weird...at all.  

Maybe I should just greet my clients like this, "Hi, I'm Lindsay and I will be your Massage Therapist today.  Please excuse my frequent gasps and screams during your relaxing massage, but I have an achey vag."

But I don't.  I don't even massage anymore, I'm on "massage maternity leave" and now only work the front desk. 

Another thing I was unaware of it how true it is that after so many months of being pregnant, you can't see down below.  That causes a few problems.  The main one being, um, wondering what in tarnation it still looks like and what condition it's in! I finally gave in on Friday and called up "my waxer".  I went after work, went into the room, and gave her a warning that I have no idea what's going on down there, but the last thing I want is for my precious baby girl to come into the world and the first thing she sees to be something cave woman-like.

So naturally just to be safe, the brazilian wax was my only option.

But fear not my friends, this wasn't my first rodeo, I've only ever done brazilians so I was prepared.  Or so I thought. Apparently when you're pregnant things are more sensitive because oh-my-sweet-baby-Jesus-Lord-be-with-me. IT HURT! 

Poor me.  Poor her.  Poor vag. 

I left and treated myself to a Hot Fudge Sundae from McDonalds. Because I'm like a child who just left the doctors office after getting a shot. I needed a prize.

The next vag travesty is the "checking of the cervix".  I haven't had to be checked at my doctors appointments yet, but when I was getting monitored in the hospital for my UTI the nurse checked me.  Ok, so I "put my feet together and let my knees fall" like I am told and WHAM! The next thing I know the nurses arm is shoved up me like she's digging for the mother-freakin blood diamond.  

I'm pretty sure she could feel my tonsils.

Turns out I have a high cervix.  And now I am assuming that every time I get checked it will be pure torture.  YAY!

But just the thought that a human has to come out of this thing is what freaks me out the most.  Lord have mercy on me please! 

Here's to hoping that the drugs they give during labor will fog my mind to where I'm not concerned about vag destruction.


3 comments:

  1. LMAO!! I swear..the checking of the cervix is the worst! If I could have done a back bend on the hospital bed, I would have...just to get away from it all! I think that is the worst thing about being preggo! Even worse than giving birth.

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  2. OMG. The checking of the cervix is horrible. No one tells you that crap! I swear, I told the doc that if he wanted to know what I ate for breakfast, I could have just told him! My daughter is 8 and I still remember that horrible feeling. Just remember, when you hold that precious Pressley in your arms, it will ALL be worth it!

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  3. I suffered through a brazilian at about 37 weeks. Not fun at all. But definitely better than scaring everyone when they're all up in your vag!

    Honestly....the vag will never be the same. Bless her.

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