February 10, 2011

Pregnancy Words of Wisdom

Since I've been knocked up, it seems as though many lessons have been learned.  Some the hard way, and none the easy way.  By no means do I consider myself "wise", these are just a few unfortunate events that have taken place since the little meatball has been growing in my tum tum.
  • Educate your baby-daddy early and thoroughly on what a craving is.  Make sure you get the point across that the sooner he is out the door on the way to the store, the happier you will be. He may not understand why you want an entire jar of pickles and chocolate pudding but he need not ask questions. Rude! 

  • Buy toilet paper in bulk.  Between peeing every 6 1/2 minutes and crying 12 times a day the toilet paper goes fast.  Also, take note that you should never ever attempt to start a new roll of toilet paper during your 3:15 am bathroom break.  Do you know how hard it is to find the little square of TP that's still stuck to the roll (you know- the beginning piece) when your eyes are still closed? Trust me, it's hard.

  • Speaking of throwing up, or not, let me educate on a few things that taste the same coming up as they did going down:
- Pineapple
- Frosted Flakes 
- Applesauce
- Orange Juice
- Rich Chocolate Royale Slim Fast

You're welcome for that.

  • Whatever scents you loved before you were knocked up, get rid of them as fast as you can.  Because once your nose turns into one of a bloodhound you're never going to want to smell that smell ever again. So go ahead and unplug your plug-ins, stop using your favorite laundry detergent & perfume just for 9 months.  I've even had to switch to unscented lotion & even use my niece and nephews Bubble Gum Scooby Doo tooth paste because I can't stand mint sometimes.  It's amazing at how your sense of smell increases! When I'm at work giving a massage I can smell whatever Pureology shampoo the stylist is using- all the way across the salon! I'm all,"Yep, that's definitely the Hydrate shampoo she's using!" Ok, any who. 

  • Hormones.  Oh hormones. Next to morning sickness I would say the worst thing about pregnancy is the hellacious roller coaster of mood swings.  One second you're fine and dandy, then the next second it's like Niagra Falls coming out of your eye balls.  Things that make this symptom worse are TV shows like American Idol, Teen Mom, any type of award shows where speeches are given, and Regis & Kelly- specifically when Regis announces this will be his last year on the show.  Seriously, you would have thought I was at a funeral I was crying so hard.  

  • And last, but not least- you need to know the art of brushing your teeth during pregnancy.  You can't brush for too long.  Just do it very quickly, to get the job done.  Also, you can't brush too hard because then your gums will bleed and you'll just taste blood for the next 2 hours.  And never, NEVER brush your tongue. This will result in about 2 gagging sessions immediately followed by throwing up.  So remember, keep it short and simple.  And invest in gum just incase you can't get the job done good enough.

Whelp, that's all I've got for now! Too-da-loo!

4 comments:

  1. that was honestly a joy to read. I knew it would be hilarious as soon as I saw the title paired with the fact that you wrote it.

    Oh Jersey Shore made me cry tonight... hope that doesn't mean I'm pregs.

    Orange juice sounds like it would hurt coming back up... well at least it did during a very unfortunate screw driver incident... oops

    Thanks for being so honest about all this stuff Lindsay!

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  2. Ha, these were fabulous...I wish I'd had this before! Still working with my husband on the cravings thing ;)

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  3. Well at least pregnancy hasn't disturbed your sense of humor! Wow!!! Too funny. Oh, you forgot to mention how you hate the smell of Jason's Deli too! LOL.

    And let me just say, when my time comes to be the prego one I will be fully prepared for all of this! Even if it is 50 ba-jillion years away! :) ok, maybe not that long!

    Love you!

    Secuuuuuurity Word: Hotsart...bahaha

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  4. Hilarious and oh-so-true!! Especially the teeth brushing. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and baby daddy still doesn't understand cravings - he thinks it's no big deal. Loser!

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