July 23, 2012

parenting advice

Since I am a whole year into this parenting gig I've come to realize that there are a few things that I surely didn't know in the beginning. Most parents attend classes- parenting, birthing, lamaze, breastfeeding..etc. I just so happen to not do any of those because I feel like it's pretty basic. Birthing a baby? You push for 10 seconds and everysingletime the nurse says ,"one more time and it'll be over with" EXCEPT THAT YOU STILL HAVE TWO HOURS TO GO. They tell you it's just like taking the worlds largest poo.

Excpet you poo a baby.

I didn't need a class to tell me how to do that, but that's neither here nor there.

If I am ever a mentor to first time parents, here are a few things I'd tell them to do.

1) You and your HusbandMan need to take sign language classes. Not just a few, you need to be fluent in this. Most men don't know how to use their "inside voice" if their life depends on it. And when it's 2:00 AM and you are trying to whisperyell to your husband to get a burp cloth for the fourhundred&eleventyninth time you're going to wish you had those ASL classes.

Y'all, it's crucial. I don't tell you this for craps and giggles. I tell you because I know what it's like to want to throw a lamp and your poor sweet husband who doesn't know the difference between screaming as if he is at a Slipknot concert or whispering like he's trying to not wake sleeping Jesus.

2) As if the ASL tutoring won't be enough, go ahead and book you the best dang vocal coach that ever did live. Here's the thing, when you finally realize that singing is what makes your little meatball smile and coo, you're going to be singing all day long. And you KNOW you're going to be recording that mess and post it to The Facebook for the whole world to see. That's also when you realize that maybe your voice isn't what you thought it was. I remember thinking at one point in my life that maybe, just maybe, my voice wasn't that bad. But the truth is, EVERYONE sounds great when they sing along with the Dixie Chicks!

Me + "Cowboyyyyyyyy ttaaaaakkkkke me awayyyy" = heavenly angels singing

Me + everything else = something even the Lord can't love

That's where a vocal coach can help. If you don't do it for yourself then please, do it for your FB friends.

3) Dance lessons. Adam will claim that I can't dance, and I've never argued his point.

Now, if you were at Smith's Marina about a week ago and saw that girl doing a little jig outside of the black Yukon?

That was just me trying to get the bumble bee out of our car with an old Taco Bell bag.

I'm sorry if you thought otherwise.

If I would have know how much Presley enjoys dancing I would've been more prepared and had a few hip hop lessons. Adam will also claim that he can cut a rug. If we are being honest here, I really don't know. I've seen him do the "lawnmower" and "shopping cart" move a handful of times. It's nothing I really care for Presley to learn anytime soon.

That's about it. If any of you attend any classes at a hospital soon maybe you can recommend these classes to the instructor.

Laugh now, thank me later.

No comments:

Post a Comment